Are you experiencing meltdowns with your kids over food, clothes, toys, activities, and more? 

Many parents assume that their child is trying to assert dominance over them when they “act out.” While it may feel that way sometimes, it’s rarely the case. 

Children have 5 basic needs:
1. Physical – the basics: food, water, clothing, shelter, adequate rest, and oxygen
2. Emotional – love, affection, security, a sense of belonging,
3. Social – socialization, connection, relationships, and acceptance
4. Moral (Spiritual) – guidance on values (a sense of right and wrong), guidance in learning empathy, compassion, and forgiveness
5. Intellectual – stimulation, exploration, education

When a child behaves in an undesirable manner, they’re usually trying to communicate a need of some sort. 

Perhaps the child is hungry or thirsty, tired, overstimulated, understimulated (bored), or not feeling connected to the parent in the moment. 

The BEST way to handle a tantrum is to first Stop and ask yourself: What need is my child trying to communicate to me? 

Even better, a parent can usually prevent a meltdown in the first place and set the child up for success by doing ONE simple thing: provide ONLY two options in every scenario. 

Children crave choices with boundaries. But too many options can overwhelm them. Not enough options provides no sense of autonomy. 

Here are some examples:
1. Would you like green beans or tater tots with your chicken tonight? (Notice I didn’t ask about the chicken. That’s a given. They have no choice in that matter.)
2. Would you rather wear your blue shirt or red shirt today?
3. Would you rather clean up your toys now and then go outside to play or clean them later and not go outside to play?
4. Would you like to brush your teeth first or take a bath first? 

This even works with teenagers:
1. Would you rather do your homework now and we can go watch that movie you wanted to see tonight, or do it later and we can wait til this weekend to go see the movie?
2. Would you rather do your homework before or after dinner?
3. Would you rather do dishes tonight or take out the trash?
4. Do you want to talk about it now, or would you rather I come back in 30 minutes?

No one truly likes being “told” what to do. We all like have a say in our own lives and especially with our own bodies. 

Here’s a list of 10 more questions that offer “choices with boundaries” for your kids:
1. (If they beg for “one more book”) – Would you rather me read two books tonight and skip our bedtime song, or just one book tonight so we have time for our bedtime song?
2. (If they are being sluggish and not wanting to get going.) – Would you rather hop to the car like a bunny or gallop like a horse?
3. Would you rather me tell you when it’s time to go or set a musical timer to remind you?
4. Would you say you’re feeling more sad or mad right now?
5. Do you want to tell me about it, or would you rather draw me a picture?
6. Would you rather have a hug or a high-five?
7. Would you rather I drop you off at the front or park and let you walk in by yourself?
8. Do you need help with your shoes, or would you like to try it by yourself first?
9. Do you need me to hire a tutor for you, or do you think you can catch up on your work on your own?
10. Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?

Notice that BOTH choices you’re offering are acceptable to you as the parent. You’re not letting your child decide WHETHER they are going to do what you’d like them to do. You’re only letting them decide HOW they’d like to do it. 

There are times when you as the parent are simply going to make a straightforward request. There’s no time or opportunity to offer more than one choice. For instance, you’re not going to let your child run into the street, of course. You’re going to say, “Hold my hand while we cross the street.” And that’s okay. You’re still the parent. Your number one job is to keep your child safe, not happy.

I always say, if the situation isn’t hurting the child or anyone else, go ahead and offer the two choices. It’s teaching your child problem-solving skills and instilling a sense of belief in themselves and trust in you to keep them safe while allowing them to experience life. 

Got other burning parenting questions? 

Follow my Facebook Page here: Traci’s Learning Corner where I offer weekly Lives addressing common mom stressors as well as a Q&A every Friday where you can ask your questions LIVE. I also teach Sign Language and Spanish (circle-time style) and offer potty training tips and hands-on activities to entertain your little ones. 

Hope to see you there!